I can't remember where I first read or heard this fabulous quote by Albert Einstein... but I know that it immediately resonated with me. The thing is, that I've always approached my life with a very child-like wonder. In many cases, it's been something people tease me about. Throughout my life, people who know me well, and some that don't have told me I am naive. And, I suppose I am, in a way. The thing is, I really think most everything has a sort of magic to it. A wonder. I think people are, inherently good. I think that there are more things that make us LIKE one another than make us DIFFERENT from one another. I tend to trust first, and become suspicious only when given sufficient cause. And yes, this has caused me to get hurt. A lot. And the part that is so hard to explain to people is that in spite of the ways this naive approach to life has hurt me, I don't regret one moment or one decision made from that place. Why should I? I choose faith, and wonder, and goodness as my guiding lights and when I turn out to be wrong, I see these experiences as learning and growth opportunities. Each of these experiences helped me to become the person I am today. The good experiences, and the bad experiences both were a part of my growth learning, and they still are. You can look at life and see it for it's darkness, despair, loneliness, cruelty and you can live your life trying to avoid all of those things. Some might say to even attempt to avoid all the pain life has to offer would be a futile effort. Or, you can look at life for it's beauty, it's wonder. You can choose to see every setback as an opportunity and every bit of life from the smallest plant to the brightest shining star as a miracle. These aren't rose coloured glasses, I'm wearing. They're crystal clear, but still, they sparkle like the stars. What do your glasses look like?
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I can't believe how time has been flying!! It seems like just the other day that I was planning for the holidays. Now, they've come and gone and we're at the beginning of a brand new year! 2013 was a big, and a hard, year - both for me and for Body Positivity Yoga. I launched my public group classes at the beginning of the year under a model of offering what I could, where I could. Before I knew it, I was teaching all over the place. At one point I had ongoing classes in Vancouver, Burnaby, Coquitlam, New Westminster, Surrey, and occasionally elsewhere! Phew! It got exhausting but I also found that it was hard finding good, stable locations to offer classes. Every space I got came with its own unique challenges. In the process, I learned a lot about what I found to be a really great space to teach and practice Yoga in and where the challenges to that space arose. I also learned that there are an awful lot of people out there looking for a gentler, more accessible Yoga practice - and only one of me! :) And so, much much sooner than I thought I'd be ready, I began looking into the possibility of opening my own space. A place that could grow... and a place that could be a place to teach the Body Positivity Yoga method to other teachers so that I could offer MORE. And thus, a long term goal was put into place, hardly without realizing it had even happened. My dream is to see Body Positivity Yoga grow and grow so that we can serve all the students out there who are tired of only finding Hot Yoga, Bikram Yoga, and athleticized varieties of Yoga. Gentle is the new Advanced and the people who need Yoga most are not always looking to get the most extreme workout they can - they come to the practice looking for something else.... less stress... more connectedness with self, a way to manage chronic pain or heal from injuries. And so I am very excitedly taking the first step to growing. And I'd like you all to come along for the ride!! :) Watch this space, my newsletter, and my Facebook and Twitter feeds for updates. It's going to be epic. Just you wait and see! It has been a difficult couple of months for me. I suppose, in a way, that's a big underestimation of what's been happening. At the end of July, my mother passed away. 61 years old. It wasn't expected. She ended up with an infection in her brain that was causing crazy-long, brain-damaging, uncontrollable seizures. She ended up on life support and my Sisters and I, and her siblings, had to decide to remove her from life support. Being a part of a decision like that, no matter how small a part is a life-changing experience. And what followed was even more challenging. For mom, it wasn't like in the movies or television shows. The body is designed to fight for itself. And when the machines were turned off, her body kept functioning for many days. Days I spent at her bedside, holding her hand as she slept... holding her hand as I slept. Whispering all the comforting words I could think of to give her peace. Saying goodbye over and over again every minute for hours and days on end in my heart. It was the most difficult and intense experience of my life. Until the day of her celebration of life service, which happened in September. Suddenly I was faced, again, with my grief - and a whole slew of new grief - this time over all the things about our relationship that could never be. The bad stuff in our past. The stuff that could never see resolution and could never turn a corner. In July, I mourned the loss of my mother. But in September I began to mourn the loss of the mother I never got to have. And this experience of mourning, of grief, knocked me flat on my back emotionally. It had been a long time since I'd felt so emotionally NOT okay. Even when she'd passed in July - I felt like I processed and moved through emotions in a pretty healthy and productive manner. But after the service I just couldn't keep it together. And yet, two days after her service I was due to resume my teaching schedule. I'd had no problem teaching - and hosting a successful Yoga retreat after her passing. But the Monday after her service, I just wasn't sure I could really be there for my students the way I wanted to be. This was devastating for me. What I most wanted was to be able to get on my mat at the front of the class and show how together I was. To be okay. Not being okay felt unacceptable. So I fought it. I pushed against it. I berated myself for my own falling apart. I felt like I was failing. I had two classes to teach that Monday. They were both newer classes. When I showed up at the studio to set up for the first class, I dissolved. I couldn't stop crying. I set up anyway. No students showed up that day. Coincidence? Maybe not. It was in the moment when I realized that a huge part of the pain I was feeling that day - was not the grief and the loss - but the way I felt like a failure for feeling so raw and sad. Buddhists hold to the idea that when bad stuff happens to us, we are hit by TWO arrows (arrows representing the pain). The first arrow is the *stuff* that happens. The pain. The loss. The hurt. The inevitable things we can not avoid. But the second arrow is what we tell ourselves about what happened. What we tell ourselves about the pain we feel. And this second arrow is what was causing me the most suffering. I realized I needed to find a way to move forward. So I picked myself up. I dusted myself off. And, most importantly, I gave myself permission to not be okay. To feel sad. To feel loss. To feel grief. And I committed to get on my mat and teach from that place of sadness. And that's exactly what I did. Miraculously, once I admitted my grief, admitted that I wasn't all that okay, things started to feel right again. I felt like I was able to be there for my students from a place of authenticity because I showed them, by showing up, that it is okay to not be okay. The reality is that sometimes we're NOT okay. Life happens. Pain happens. The most important thing is our willingness to show up for our life, on our mats and off, even when we aren't okay - without feeling like we have to stuff it all down and pretend it doesn't exist. This is just one more thing my Yoga practice has taught me. Photo Credit: Horizon D'Or by Steve
A couple of days ago, I stumbled across this quote by Julia Cameron, and it resonated with me so deeply!
My journey into, and through Yoga began with secrecy... something I was afraid to admit. And the more I embraced it, the more its gifts began to unfold. My journey to becoming a Yoga Teacher similarly began from this place of secrecy (which, in this case, was just another word for fear). I was afraid to admit I was practicing Yoga 13 years ago. And I was afraid to admit that my dream was becoming a Yoga Teacher. And yet, here I am. How did I get here? I faced my fear. I faced my fear of failure. I faced my fear of "not being taken seriously" (that one I still face somewhat regularly). I faced my fear of ridicule. But most of all, I faced my fear of my Self. And just as the quote says, once I did face my fear - the rest has been surprisingly easy! My passion for Yoga (the practice and teaching) shines through everything I do. My passion for body-acceptance and self-acceptance is my guiding light. Most excitingly, every day I get on my own mat or the mat at the front of a class of students, I learn a little more about myself. Teaching Yoga as a path to body-acceptance truly feels like my Dharma. It feels like my destiny. And all the work involved in building this absolutely DOES feel like play. How cool is that? And to think... If I had never faced my fear and admitted my dream, I wouldn't be here. Living it. That's something to be truly grateful for. What are you afraid of? What path would you follow if you weren't afraid to admit it's what you truly want? Lately, I feel as though I've been talking about things like fear and courage an awful lot. This isn't an accident. These themes are very present in my life right now. When I walked away from the day job to pursue my Yoga Teaching dream, I had no idea how terrifying it would be. Well, actually, I take that back. I was terrified even then. The reality is that in a million (zillion?) years, I never would have thought that I would become an entrepeneur of any variety, let alone a Yoga teacher. And yet, that's what I decided to do. Talk about facing my fears head on! Since making the decision to see how far this dream can take me, though, I've had no regrets. To be afraid, terrified even - but still know that what you're doing is exactly what you're supposed to be doing? That's heady stuff. But something amazing keeps happening... Just when I am most afraid or nervous or feeling the most like a big fraud, one of my students will say something to me that will completely blow me away. I had a moment like this during my last Sunday class. One of my students got into a pose that I'm sure she never thought she could or would. It made me want to cry (happy tears) to see the huge grin on her face. I know she surprised herself in the most awesome way! All I could think about was how inspiring the whole class had been - how great it had felt to lead these powerful, beautiful women in practice. It felt like such a gift. But after the class, she gave me the greatest gift of all. She told me that one of the things she loves the most is that just when things seem really hard, she just has to look at the big smile on my face and it doesn't feel so hard any more. Wow. It wasn't the fact that she complimented me that blew me away. It was the simple truth of her words that brought home WHY doing this is so important to me, why I am so passionate about it. I see my students the way I want to be seen. I see them for their power and their struggles and their beauty and their triumphs and even their sorrows. I see their vulnerability and their grief and I see their fear and all of it is reflected in my own life, my own journey and I like to think that the way I teach Yoga is the way I love to feel: like a big ol' genuine affectionate hug and a whisper in your ear "You can do it. I believe in you. You're amazing!" I worry sometimes that my random squeals of delight and pride halfway through my class might put people off. That when I stop and clap my hands and excitedly say "LOOK AT YOU! This is AWESOME!" that maybe it's not quite the "yoga vibe" that people expect... But it's who I am. And as the quote above so eloquently says... it is not my job to worry whether people like me or not. It is my job to be there for them. For you. For the people who are coming to me for whatever it is they get from the class. Whether it's physical, spiritual, emotional, more, or all of the above. And no matter how scared I get. It is those moments that I absolutely live and breathe this Yoga for. The moments when I am reminded that somehow, in some small way, I can make a difference. I can make someone feel seen... heard... accepted.... even loved. That is what makes it easy to face any fear that may come up, any insecurity. You. All of you. Thank you for being so freaking amazing. See you on the mat! “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.” ~Marianne Williamson This felt particularly poignant for me, today. As I move forward on this journey, each step seems to feel more terrifying than the last. As much as it is frightening, it is also joyful and exhilarating and wonderful. But this is really a metaphor for life. It is when we are about to embark on the most exciting, happiest, most wonderful things in our life that we are most likely to pull back, to hesitate, to retreat, to run. And often that is because the idea that things could be so beautiful - could shine so brightly is absolutely overwhelming. I am so grateful. To my teachers. To my students. To my friends. To my family. Your support, love, and faith helps me tap into my own inner courage and strength and keep walking this path. Which is, by the way, pretty amazing. Isn't it odd how one can get hit by the biggest wave of insecurity ever - just when things are actually going pretty well? I never in a million years thought I would be a Yoga teacher one day. I also never thought I would own my own business (me? an entrepenur? no way!). Yet, here I am. I'm living my dream! And doing that makes me so happy and grateful. But it also is difficult beyond measure. Not only am I putting myself very much on display for the world (especially now that I'm getting ready to start filming stuff for YouTube), but I am also very aware that I could totally fail at this! And I'm sure if there's one thing all entrepreneurs, teachers, and coaches have in common it is the fear of failure. I've struggled with insecurity a lot over the years. And no matter how confident I think I am about Yoga and teaching Yoga, this work still challenges me deeply. When I stumbled across this Steve Furtick quote last week, it immediately became the theme of my classes. It's so true, isn't it? We do compare all the little details and mis-steps and out-takes of our own life with the stuff other people present to the world! And all the while we forget that each person has their own out-takes and bloopers and behind-the-scenes stuff that we don't get to see. It's really not fair, is it? This is where comparison always gets super sticky. Because comparison is never real. It's easy for me to look at other Yoga teachers and feel like I must be doing something wrong - because what I do as a Yoga teacher is SO different! There are a few other Yoga teachers in the world doing the type of work I choose to do but even among us there are many differences. There really is no road-map. And, in a way, that's exciting and glorious because I can pave my own way. But the part of me that craves security finds that kind of terrifying. A recent example of this is my retreat planning. You see, I had it in my head that I had a rather ambitious goal to plan my first Yoga retreat for the summer/early fall of 2014. I thought that was an aggressive goal since most Yoga teachers wait several years before offering their first retreat. But, when I mentioned to my Sunday morning students, in passing, that I was hoping to do a retreat next year - one boldly inquired, "Why not this year?". I think my jaw must have hit the floor. I'm pretty sure I sputtered. It was not a graceful moment y'all. Especially when other students chimed in excitedly about the idea of a retreat THIS year. But it really was awesome in an epic kind of way. My students want a retreat this year, not next year. I was holding back - afraid to rush things, but they were ready. Who knew?? It's because of that conversation that I just took a major leap of faith and put down a (rather large) deposit on a property for my first ever Body Positivity Yoga Retreat for THIS September. (FYI - I'll totally be linking that to my retreat page once the details are up, hopefully later this morning). But I digress. The point, here, is that it really comes down to remembering that what each of us has to offer the world is so different that comparing ourselves to others is really rather futile. We each have gifts. We each have fears. We each have our own things we struggle with in our lives - and we each have our own dreams. What purpose is truly served by comparing? For myself, this is a work in progress. But I'm learning, slowly, that being wildly and boldly myself no matter what others are doing is one of the best things I can do for my own well being. What about you? Earlier this week, I got into an argument with one of my man-children, Steven. We're at this interesting stage where he is an adult, still living at home, and I am now home a lot more than I used to be. So there is the usual head-butting that goes on at this time in his life but it's combined with some pretty big changes in the day to day living dynamics at home. Among these is the fact that we're spending a lot more time together than we were used to. The thing is, that no matter how well you get along with someone, normally, sometimes life circumstances really just mess with that. Steven and I normally get along pretty well, especially for a 19 year old man-kid and his step-mother! But, we also have a heck of a lot in common. Among the traits we seem to share is stubbornness. I'm sure you can imagine, then, that when we both get our stubborn faces on and dig in our heels, things can get interesting. I don't even really remember what started this argument except that we were both convinced we were right and the other person was wrong. Isn't that how most arguments begin? But, as is often the case with arguments - it got out of hand. Pretty soon, I was trying to make him listen to me no matter what as I explained (a bit TOO thoroughly) why I was right. And this led to some inevitable frustration and he ended up losing his temper and yelling at me. Fast forward about ten minutes and we were BOTH in tears and feeling like it was all our fault. Because another trait we have in common is our tendency to self-blame. Thankfully, my wife was able to offer us both some much needed perspective. She wisely reminded us both that everyone has things about themselves - habits, patterns, and general "stuff" that comes up sometimes when we get disconnected during an argument. She validated us both by reminding us that we're allowed to be angry. Sure, we could have both handled our frustration and anger better but the feelings were valid. This is still something I'm really working on... the idea that it's okay to be angry. Whenever I get frustrated or angry, there is a degree of anxiety - partly because it doesn't feel like it's allowed. This adds a whole new level of tension to the experience of being angry. One of the things I've been working on is the process of allowing or surrendering to the feeling of being angry. Not necessarily acting on it but, in a way, revelling in it. Because when I embrace the feeling of anger (or frustration, disappointment, or sadness), I find that the feeling only lasts a few minutes. I read somewhere once, a long time ago, that our emotions are like clouds in the sky. The natural state of our mind and emotions is calm and clear but over top of that are the clouds of our feelings and emotions. But the interesting thing about clouds is that they are never still. They are always on the move. If you lie on your back and stare up at a blue sky dotted with fluffy white clouds, you'll notice that the clouds you're gazing at twenty minutes from when you begin are totally different ones! Why is that so significant? Because, it means that no matter how angry, sad, frustrated, disappointed, or upset you feel right now, that feeling is already in the process of moving along in the sky of your mind. If you resist it, pretend it's not there, or try to stuff it down it's more likely to stick around longer. But if you allow the cloud to float across the sky at it's normal pace, you'll find it gone before you know it. This isn't just woo-woo stuff, you guys, I promise! I've done this and it does work. I remember one time I experimented with this very much on purpose. My wife, Peggy, had done something to annoy me and I got mad. But instead of trying to fix it or address it or make it go away the "traditional" way, I just dove directly into the anger (silently). As we went about our grocery shopping, I intentionally focused on HOW mad I was at her. I let the anger just fill me right up. It must have been less than five minutes later when no matter how hard I tried, the anger was still dissipating. In fact, it became so hard to hold onto that letting it go was the only option available to me. Afterwards, I felt great because instead of telling myself I wasn't allowed to feel that way or, perhaps worse, projecting my feelings onto my wife, I allowed my feelings to be there - to be accepted. Now, don't get me wrong. It's way easier said than done. But it's a practice I am definitely continuing to work on because it makes such a huge difference in how I'm able to handle difficult situations when they arise. In the recent argument with my son, I didn't dive into the feelings - instead I tried to force a resolution which resulted in an unpleasant outcome. But afterwards, Steven and I were both able to admit that we could have handled things better while still validating each other's right to feel the way we felt. Everyone gets angry. We're all entitled to our feelings. Sometimes giving ourselves the permission to FEEL our feelings is the greatest gift we can give ourselves.
Cattle Egret by cuatrok77
Last week, I wrote about tuning in to find your inner voice, your inner wisdom in order to shut out all the external noise, dig deep, and really discover what you want to do or how you want to live. But this brought me to the next logical question and one I bump into all the time. Once you hear that inner voice, and it tells you something - how do you know you can trust it? Here's the blunt reality - you don't. There is no flashing sign, no neon lights, nothing to say YES you are absolutely right. Crappy, right? Except... that's an oversimplification. In this journey to get to know yourself, to learn who you really are inside, there is also a process by which you learn to recognize when that inner voice is truth and when it is, instead, programming, conditioning, old baggage, old friends, lovers or family members echoing in your mind. For me, this process (which is still ongoing by the way), is not an easy one. I have a lot of complicated relationship and family and emotional baggage that I am still really working my way through. So, inevitably, there are times when I "tune in" only to find that it is not my voice at all - but my Mother's or an ex or an ex best friend who is talking. The tricky part is learning to recognize that when it happens and dig just a little deeper to find your voice underneath even that, no matter how quiet. And once you hear it, you make a conscious choice to trust it. This is where the leap of faith comes in. But I'll be straight with you. It's not easy. Especially at first. Trust comes with time. It is far more natural for many of us to self-doubt, to feel insecure, to think that we couldn't possibly know what's best for us. And yet, we all do! We all have an innate wisdom within us. That is my belief, anyway, and even if it does sound a little woo-woo, it's proven to be true in my life. Mull that over. Because, this week, I'll be playing with self-trust both in my own personal Yoga practice - and with my students. See you on the mat! |
Image Credit: Michele Mateus Photography
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