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Exposed

4/1/2011

3 Comments

 
So here I am, exposing myself in every way imaginable to the world. If that isn't a lesson in courage, then I don't know what is.  If someone had told me even three years ago that I would someday be taking steps to become a Certified Yoga Teacher and posting pictures of myself in body-hugging yoga clothing on a web site and Facebook page - well, I would have told them that they were nuts.

And yet... here I am doing the very thing that I should be most afraid of doing, and instead of feeling scared and vulnerable, I feel confident. I believe in myself.  Before Yoga, that would never have been possible.

You see, it seems that every mirror I had ever looked into before I began practicing Yoga - had lied to me.  From the time I was a young girl, I believed that fat was bad. Fat people were slow, lazy, ugly, worthless, and certainly not graceful. I felt ashamed of my body and awkward moving it. My body and me were completely at odds. I resented the body that I had been raised to believe was to blame for every problem I had socially, physically, or psychologically. I punished it, by denying it any of my attention. I ignored it. I ignored me.

I stumbled on yoga mostly by accident, as I've said before. I needed a low impact (read: no impact) activity to do because I was once again on a weight loss kick. But, what I found, was so much more. 

I still remember laying on my back in Savasana at the beginning of a relaxation sequence I was doing along to a Yoga video. It was only my second week of using the video, and as I laid there with one hand on my belly, focusing on my deep abdominal breathing, I had an epiphany. I liked feeling the way my belly moved. My body felt like a part of me, for the first time in what felt like forever. The coming weeks and months doing yoga in my living room brought more and more of this new connection to me. Every pose, I learned something new about my body and how it moved. I noticed how muscles felt when they activated, or the soft surrender of a deep stretch as each exhale allows the muscle to soften and then lengthen. I started to notice how it felt to hold my knees directly over my ankles or my head balanced evenly over my spine. 

Instead of hunching forward, protectively, I began to walk taller.

Every time I step onto the mat, I make a commitment to myself to listen to and honor my body. In a way, my Yoga practice is also the practice of paying homage to every action my body does every day. The gift of breath. The gift of movement. The gift of softness and surrender. The gift of strength. My body and I, we get along well now. We're tight. I know my body and respect it. And, in return, my body supports me in everything I do. It's a great arrangement. Win, win, you might say.

As my wife snapped photos of me in a variety of poses, I felt amazing. I wasn't afraid of my belly roll showing or the angle of my chin. I was just excited to show off this big body doing some kick-ass yoga! And when I reviewed the photos, I noticed for the first time in a long time all of the rolls and curves, the places where my body seems loose or wiggly... and I was able to see all of this from the place of simple, non-judgmental observance. I know how my body feels in that Ustrasana and it feels FANTASTIC. When I'm in that pose, and my heart is open and my head is falling down my back, I'm not thinking about how exposed my belly is or whether my thighs look too chunky - I'm just feeling bliss. Pure bliss.

Starting Curvaceous Woman Yoga™ has shown me that the greatest gift of my Yoga practice is the way it allows me to see myself, exactly as I am, and feel grateful and blessed for being me.

Still walking tall,
Lisa
3 Comments
angela polstra
4/2/2011 03:05:48 am

i've discovered just this morning how much i love my little pot belly and how the muscles in there are starting to engage and support me, my back, my legs and my heart. i spent quite a bit of time this morning staring at my belly in the mirror just happy at it's beauty and elegance. i may never have a 6 pack but i have one hell of a beautiful belly.
this statement coming from a "big boned" girl who hid any part of her body that lay below her head... and even the head she didn't want much to do with because it was attached to the body.
yeah for yoga
yeah for getting older
yeah for getting wisdom and beauty and self love and body bliss
thanks for being here because it is so good to know not all yogis are slender little goddess, some of us are Rubenesque full figure queens

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Amelia link
4/4/2011 05:43:01 am

Yay! I’m right there with you, Lisa! I loved looking at the gallery of beautiful yogi/yoginis today. You look terrific :) Your post about your progression to this point was lovely. I just know you are going to be a kick-@ss yoga teacher. I never would have imagined that I’d one day be a certified yoga teacher, either, but here I am. Yoginis with curves are all the rage, don’t you know.

Angela, what a wonderful description of your beautiful belly! Isn’t it great to think about how incredible our bodies are – what they do for us every day and how gorgeous they look while doing it.

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Lisa Papez link
4/5/2011 04:41:54 pm

Thank you both so much for your comments!!

Angela ~ What an amazing experience to share. I am falling in love with my belly, too! Yoga has helped me appreciate that it's not something to hide, but something to celebrate as a part of myself.

Amelia, Thank you so much! I really am so passionate about this and I can't wait to teach! I'm spending a lot of time and energy learning as much as I can so that when I hit the mat as a teacher, not only can I bring my own experiences to my class but as much education as possible on how to move the body safely and healthfully. I know it's going to be worth all the studying! :)

I just love finding more and more curvy women to share this journey with. Thank you both for being here with me!

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Images of Lisa Papez, The Fat Yogini provided by Michele Mateus Photography (from the Body Love Now photo project - 2016)
Body Positivity Yoga™ and The Fat Yogini™ were created in 2011 by Lisa Papez. 
Teaching Yoga for All Bodies™ was created in 2014 by Lisa Papez
Teaching Outside The Mat™ was created in 2016 by Lisa Papez
The Self-Worth Path
™ was created in 2016 by Lisa Papez
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